


Perhaps, Perhaps

by StarfishChan



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst, I fucked with allen's head in this one, M/M, second relationship is very background, what even is heavy angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2016-12-28
Packaged: 2018-09-12 18:52:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9085351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarfishChan/pseuds/StarfishChan
Summary: Perhaps one day I will love again.





	

You had always been something of an enigma. Trying to let your first name die off silently, much like your heart. You tried to keep people from getting too close and it was odd. Odd in the fact that it seemed so much like you were only trying to save them from pain, like I once tried as well. You were beautiful on the outside but it was almost immediately ruined by the fact that your attitude was made to ward people off. We started out as rivals with entirely different looks at life but you reminded me of myself before I found Mana. Alone, cynical about the world, wanting no one to get too close because they could just hurt you again. It was probably why I never really gave up on you, trying to get close to you, trying to do for you what Mana did for me. I had silently vowed to myself to be the Mana of your life{unaware that you already had one}. Sometimes your barbs about my arm, ‘ _Your arm is disgusting, how did your father **ever love you**_?’, or my curse, ‘ _Who would ever love **someone like you** with that disgusting curse of yours?_ ’, or even my weight, ‘ _God, how can you eat that much, you’re so **disgusting’**_ , hit too close to what little was left of my heart. I would just smile my clown smile and would act as if the  insults didn’t affect me. Because they didn’t. Really.

Somehow, I don’t quite remember how -probably a physical fight gone wrong- but we got into a purely physical relationship, just fucking to get away from the stress of the world for a little bit. Sometimes sex helped, it gave a rush of feeling that I normally didn’t get, a rush of feeling that I was actually loved for once. I enjoyed the sex we had but it was just that to you. Sex without feelings, every time we lay, recovering from our post-coital daze, you would lay your head on my shoulder and I could feel your bangs sticking to your forehead from sweat. Your harsh breathing fanning out over my shoulder and neck. It was the only time you didn’t comment about my left arm. Sure it was a disgusting thing, deformed, barely in the shape of an arm itself with things that looked like scales with veins grotesquely bulging against the surface and black nails that acted more like claws. For once I didn’t blame you for your abhorrence about its state I had grown used to it from everyone else. I guess at one point I hoped that I would be loved by someone like I was once loved from Mana. It didn’t have to be you, it never did, I just, like almost everyone else in the world, wished for love as well.

Our physical relationship worked well for a while, just sex and then once one of us recovered, we would clean up and just act like nothing happened. Then you started sharing about your past, and encouraged me to do the same, so I did. You didn’t laugh when I explained that the first time I cried was when a small dog that Mana owned licked my left hand. You just stayed quiet and accepted it without comment and didn’t bother feeling pity over a ‘Baka Moyashi’ like myself. It made me feel better than anyone’s pity or concern would. I could be honest with you unlike the, extremely rare, times that I shared something with Lavi or Lenalee. It was a relief, to know that you didn’t care at all about whether or not I smiled or laughed. It was nice, getting to know more about the enigma himself that possibly no one else would ever understand or be allowed to know. We grew closer as time went on, in subtle ways, with less physical fighting and less malice behind the words that we still traded offensively. Eventually I realized that I loved you.

It was a scary feeling, knowing that I was in love with my fuck buddy. It made the sex feel so much better but also made me feel so much more guilty once it was done and over with and you shared more about your origin. I loved you so much that sometimes it hurt. Hurt my heart that you couldn’t just be mine, I remembered this stage from when Lavi realized that he loved Lenalee and just wanted her to be his, it was pining. I was being possessive and I realized it, so I started trying to back away from this whole love business but I couldn’t. I was in too deep. It was ensnaring and impossible to get away from. The more I struggled, the more tightly enraptured I got. It hurt a lot sometimes, but I figured it was normal, bringing an ache to a heart I thought I’d lost after Mana died and I turned him into an akuma. During our physical escapes, sometimes now, instead of just abruptly leaving, you’d stay for a moment and nuzzle your face into my neck and I wondered if you were feeling the same as I was. I never asked though, and neither did you. We always left each other wondering what the other was thinking because to our flawed logic, if we had any idea about each other’s feelings, we’d fall in love. It was a bit too late for my heart though, brashly leading along my mind into even further throes of pleasure.

More than a few times I had to stop myself from saying ‘I love you’ during our treasonous escapades or the time after. It was hard but I somehow managed. Soon enough you gave me permission to use your first name during sex. It was a privilege that I adored. In allowing me to call you by your first name, I felt as if though I had found a rare gem and I treasured it with my entire being. To make sure that you knew when I called your name, I always made an intonation that I didn’t normally on the first ‘u’. Soon enough you would stay after sex and cuddle with me, holding me against your chest as you stared at me with a fond expression that I had never seen before and I felt great. I had finally made you happy with me in all my deformed disgustingness. You curled up as if to fall asleep and I felt eternally grateful.

That was before you slipped up one time and the name that came out of your mouth wasn’t mine. It was ‘Alma’. That was when the tears threatened to pour down my face, of course. Who would love me? You said it yourself, ‘Who would ever love someone like you with that disgusting curse of yours?’. I felt like breaking down into ugly sobs like I once had before Mana had died. Everything just seemed to weigh down on me even more than before. I had frozen up, my body not wanting to accept what my heart knew was happening. My heart crushed into unbelievably small pieces, being the host of the fourteenth Noah, loosing myself to said Noah. Being treated as nothing more than a prisoner when I had given my blood, my sweat, my tears, my very existence to these people. These disgusting people who used others’ lives as nothing more than pawns on a chess board against the Noah. After all it was humans who created Akuma, not the other way around, so why were we fighting to save these despicable creatures that did nothing more than create their own doom. I had almost even created my own doom once.

All of these revelations did nothing more than make my heart ache even further and suddenly I didn’t want to be Allen Walker. I didn’t want to be this damned host to a Noah no one knew even existed till now. I didn’t want to be treated like I was just an abomination that shouldn’t exist. I didn’t want any of this, I just wanted to be back with Mana in the circus as Red. At least then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this. I didn’t want to be caught up in any of this. Not able to eat in fear that they would have slipped something to reveal where I had hidden Johnny. I loved Johnny as if he were my own sibling that I’d had forever. He was a light in this dim time that I never wanted extinguished. That was why I hid him when they threatened to hurt him to get me to speak when Kanda and Alma were having their final moments. Kanda. The name felt bitter even just thinking about it. Of course it was Alma that came first. It always was and probably always would be. Would they even know I was gone?

I felt embittered by just the thought that I would never be the one in his heart. I was always just second place. Lavi and Lenalee were each other’s first places. They never asked about me, they always walked on eggshells around anything having to do with my past acting as if I would shatter like the china Komui once dropped if we talked about my past, it was almost as if they didn’t truly care. His first place was of course Alma, it had always been now that I thought about it. Mana’s first place may have been me but I’ll never know because I killed him. Everyone had lists about who they would save first and I wondered where, if at all, I fit on them. It made a sharp unwanted jab of pain latch onto my quickly souring heart. I realized that my body unfroze and I slipped out of his arms once again and quickly dressed and got out of the room, tears brimming on my waterline. It hurt my heart a lot more than I wanted to realize. I never fit in. Even at the Order, a big walking glob of freaks I was still abandoned.  Lenalee and Lavi tried to make it seem like it wasn’t that way but I knew, I still saw the pointed glances and heard the under the breath whispers that would be thrown my way as I walked down a hall.

I had no clue where I was other than I knew that I was outside. Here I was, the damnable fourteenth Noah and the only exorcist to be cursed on record, sitting alone in the middle of the woods that surrounded the cliff that the Order was on. I felt so out of place, so undeserving of love, so purposefully abandoned by everyone. It all thrashed around inside, eating at my bones much like acid, only this poisoning of love was much more corrosive. My once pure, unconditional love had been tainted. It was once the only thing keeping me going for another day, another chance to see him once upon a time but now that love was no more than yet another thing dragging me down, shackling my heart once more, as it had been before I found yet another betrayal in love. As I thought about it, all of my limbs were shackled to this place. My arms, to the supposed god who enjoyed screwing with my life if they were even there. My legs to the path before me that my father laid out. My left eye was even cursed and belonged to the Noah now. Everything on me felt like I had to pull the weight of the world along my shoulders. Supporting everyone else’s happy lives while I had to suffer.

I felt so done with it all. Tired of carrying the world’s weight upon my shoulders and pretending it didn’t weigh me down. Tired of acting that everything was ok no matter what. Tired of having my love trampled like it meant nothing. I was so sick and tired of these people that ran the Order, my last sanctuary, acting like I HAD to save them. Like I HAD to protect them though they treated me like I was nothing more than a lump that needed to be cut off, or in this case killed, soon. I was so tired of being told I HAD to do this or that. Why do I have to do these things? I never got an answer as to why so I gave up asking and accepted.

I am exhausted  and I no longer feel up to dealing with this hell. I wonder if Neah would just end it all for me, my consciousness, my stupid ties to this place, even my life at some point. I just didn’t care about it anymore. Perhaps he would let me watch as he killed the Noah. Perhaps he would let me watch as he killed what I once thought were my friends. Perhaps he would let me watch as he razed the whole world. Perhaps I would finally be free from this hell. Perhaps I would be allowed to finally rest in Hell, where I belonged. Perhaps everyone else would go to heaven where they deserved some solace from this damnable world that I had had my share of carrying.

Perhaps, I knew this day was coming all along.

Perhaps, there never was an Allen Walker.

Perhaps, I was Neah all along.

Perhaps, Neah is here.

**Author's Note:**

> I fucked with poor Allen's head. So as a just in case, lemme explain what happened. Allen and Kanda became fuck buddies, and Kanda projected Alma onto Allen. Kanda eventually fooled himself that it was Alma that he was having sex with. Allen has this whole existential crisis and yada-yada. In the end, Allen gladly gives up control to Neah, only asking to see the deaths of the Noah and the people he once believed were on his side. Allen delusions himself into believing that there never was an Allen Walker, and that he was always Neah.


End file.
